Is a young Snape a good thing?
by zanthia122
Summary: Ch.6: A 15-yr-old again and a Griffindor, Sev has thought that surely life can't get any worse. He was wrong. After he's gone, someone wants his job. 2 someones, to be exact. How far will Dumbledore and Sirius go to get it? And what is a Magic Pageant?
1. Sacked

Disclaimer: Sevvie (or anything in the HP universe) is not mine! Boo hoo hoo hoo...

A/N: Third fic in two days! Whoa! *turns to muse* Are you sure you are alright? Anywayz...enjoy! This is my first attempt at a funny fic, if the characters are a little OOC, it is intentional...please don't flame me on this! *cowers*

----------

This is a very cold and dark dungeon, reeking of moldy herbs. The stone walls are lined with thick dusty books, different vials of nameless ingredients and various potions. The only light seems to come from the eerily glowing contents of the silver cauldron sitting in the middle of the room, and the embers in the fireplace. A spooky dripping sound is echoing in the room. In front of the cauldron is a tall, thin and black-hooded form.

Severus : (drops two dragon fangs into cauldron, observes as the simmering potion turns green) Hmmm... curious... 

Mirror on the wall : (curiously) What is curious?

Severus : Shut up. (starts to stir)

Mirror on the wall : (whines) Teeeelllll meeee.

Severus : No. (keeps on stirring and lets mind wander to what happen earlier this day)

----------

_Earlier _

The headmaster's room hasn't change a bit since Severus last entered. The Sorting Hat, the phoenix, the silver who-know-whats are all sitting in their places. The portraits smiles and greets Severus. 

Albus : (stays in his seat, twinkling eyes in motion) Severus. Please take a seat.

Severus : (Sits across the headmaster) What is it headmaster?

Albus : (causally) Lemon drops?

Severus : (death-glare) No. I've got work to do Albus.

Albus : (turn off twinkling in eyes) Ah, then straight to business, should we? Severus, we are sorry to inform you- you are fired.

Severus : (incredulously) _Fired??? _You can't fire me-

Albus : (brushes beard) Sorry Severus. You are indeed being laid off. You may leave Hogwarts tomorrow.

Severus : (still incredulously) W- what? Wh- why? Did I do something to earn this? 

Albus : (looks at Severus pitifully) The war between the Light Side and the Dark is raging Severus, and as your cover had been blown away two months ago, we had no choice but to sack you. 

Severus : (angrily) You are kidding old man. I thought Hogwarts is the safest place for me to be in?

Albus : You see, Voldemort is furious about your betrayal. If you don't leave here Hogwarts will be under the constant risk of attack. Students will be put under danger- no, we can't have that. The professors are tired of having to check and put up wards every night. I know you are too. (eyes Severus knowingly)

Severus : (very angry now) _WHAT?_ That's how you treat your most faithful spy? Kick him out when he is most endangered? (slams fist on big desk) Not to mention teaching those dunderheads for over 14 years! (panicky voice) I can't leave Hogwarts! Where am I to go? I have no family, I will be dead once out of Hogwarts! Hogwarts- (with great difficulty) Hogwarts is my home, it's all I have!

Albus : (trying to be cheerful) You can always go to the Order's headquarters, Severus. You will be safe there.

Severus : (stands up, shaking with fury) I am not going to live in that nuthouse, you selfish goldfish! (walks over and opens door, knocking chairs out of his way)

Albus : Severus...

Severus : (halts and looks at headmaster hopefully)

Albus : Crying will make you feel better.

Severus : (!) I _DON'T _cry!! (slams door)

-----------

Mirror on the wall : (shrieks) It is going to exxxxxplode!!

Severus : (snaps back to reality) What? (looks at cauldron) Oh DEAR. (hastily adds in pepper and stirs frantically)

(After a while)

Severus : (wipes sweats from forehead) Phew, that was close!

Mirror on the wall : (smugly) I know a potion is about to explode when I see one.

Severus : (Stir potion) Shut up. It's about to be done.

Mirror on the wall : (Wants to bend over and see potion, but being nailed to a wall, it can't) Hey Sev, you really think you will do this?

Severus : (ladles potion into phial) Yeah.

Mirror on the wall : (stares) You know this will be irreversible? 

Severus : (snaps) Of _course_ it will be reversible. I can just brew the reverse potion. Think you know Potions?

Mirror on the wall : (rolls mental eyes) I know Potions better than you do kid. I am your father's mirror. I am your grandpa's mirror. I am your-

Severus : Stop!

Mirror on the wall : And they were all wonderful potion makers. (pauses) You realize you are the only one in this school capable of making this potion and its reverse?

Severus : (smirks)

Mirror on the wall : The potion- if it is brewed correctly- will bring you back to your teens right?

Severus : (nods and wonders where this conversation is going) 

Mirror on the wall : (continues in an annoyingly smug voice) So, although I doubt your memories to disappear, your knowledge and more importantly, your magical powers would dwindle... and that means you may not be able to brew the reverse when you are- younger. And you can't make the reverse beforehand because it has to be drank directly after brewing.

Severus : (thinks) Hmm...you have a point...

Mirror on the wall : (smirks the way only a mirror can)

Severus : ...but I do I care? No. (Downs contents of phial)

Mirror on the wall : Noooooooooooooooooo-

(Severus faints with a dull thud)

----------

Severus : (opens eyes slowly, adjusting them to his surroundings)

Mirror on the wall: (anxiously) Are you alright?

Severus : (moans) Ohh... (rubs head and stands up)

Mirror on the wall : Come closer, let me see you- how do you feel?

Severus : (groans) Ohh... (pours self a cup of water and drinks in one gulp) That's better...(stops suddenly, stares at own hands)?

Mirror on the wall : (whines again) Come on Sevvie boy...

Severus : (rushes to mirror, stares)

Mirror on the wall/ Severus : Ahhhhhhhh!!!!

Severus : It worked! It worked! It worked! (dances)

Mirror on the wall : (exasperated) Yeah yeah yeah, you know, you don't have to _act_ like a boy even if you _look_ like one.

Severus : (stops, but still giggling madly) Hehehehehe, I am so damn clever!

Mirror on the wall : (won't comment on the cleverness of its owner) Now what.

Severus : (suppresses giggles) Okay, now all I'd got to do is to pack my things. The train will be in Hogsmeade tomorrow and I will have to stay in (adds extra venom) _Black's_ house for two months. Then when the new year begins, haha, I will be back!

Mirror on the wall : (surprises) You sound like a villain when you say that. And why would you think Dumbledore is going to admit you into Hogwarts again? 

Severus : (Tut-tuts the mirror) Heh heh. You see, there is these magical owls Albus keeps. They detect witches or wizards within the area and will send them a letter before the term started. Once you are detected by those owls, there's no way to escape. You _will_ be admitted into Hogwarts. No matter what. So if I can't stay here as a professor, I will stay as a _student_.

Mirror on the wall : (skeptically) How big do you think the chance of Dumbledore not noticing this is? Say, slimmer than the chance you wash your hair with proper shampoo, instead of potions?

Severus : (grits teeth) One day I will smash you, I will.

The mirror keeps quiet after this and watches Severus packs his belongings. It only speaks again when Severus is about to shrink his trunks.

Mirror on the wall : What, you are going to carry me? I am touched. (wipes a tear)

Severus : (dryly) No, I am not going to take you along.

Mirror on the wall : (horror-struck) WHAT? I am your mirror!

Severus : How unfortunate of me.

Mirror on the wall : (whines _again_) What? NO! I am not only your mirror, but also your father's mirror, your grandfather's mirror, your great-grandfather's mirror, your great-great-

Severus : (yanks mirror off wall) Shut up already!

---------- 

A/N: So what do you think? Does it suck? I know, my sense of humor is pathetic...*hits self* but it will get better! I promise! Please...REVIEW!! (And my other 2 stories too, thankies!)


	2. Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, Phineas ...

Disclaimer: I own nothing in the HP universe, though the thought of stealing Severus appeals to me. A lot.

A/N: Yay, 8 reviews! That's plenty to me!

**Erikalya Arvanesse: **Thx for your first review! Glad you like the story!

**Sylvia: **Thank you!

**Mint Green Lauren:** You really think this is hilarious?! Thank you! *in tears* Here's more Sevvie and his mirror!

**marajade179: **Thx! This is original because few people out there has a twisted mind like me, mwahahahahaha! Anyways.

**beckie13: **Glad you love it!

**kim: **Thank you! Here is more!

**crazy: **Your wish is my command, your highness. *bows* Here's more!

**stargurl: **A hot Sevvie? *drools all over the place* Yeah, yeah, I will think about that...

So here is more randomness and (hopefully) laughs! Hope all of you like it! Btw, I think I may be raising the rating a bit, because this chapter contains a cheap but funny joke my bro told me last night. And sorry for the stupid title of the magazine that will appear in this chapter...at least it is not "Whizwhizard" or something which is totally what I intended to name it after an hour of fruitless brainstorm. The name now just popped up to me when I am reading "Calvin and Hobbes"...*shrugs*

----------

Arriving at Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, Severus looks up at the dark, lifeless building, sighs, and enters.

Severus : (Unloading trunks) What kind of a pigsty is _this?_ (Fingers a speck of dust off a stand nearby)

Mirror sitting on top of trunk : (looks around... as around as you can as a flat mirror lying on a trunk, that is, directly upwards) Nice chandelier!

Severus : (fails to see how a cobweb-covered chandelier is nice) _Locomotor trunks!_ (Nothing happen) _LOCOMOTOR TRUNKS!!!_

(Trunks wobble a bit and rise reluctantly)

Mirror sitting on top of trunk : (smirks) See, I told you you would lose some of your magical power...

Severus : (smirks back) I wouldn't talk so much if I were sitting on a wobbly flying trunk _without _ a strap on.

Mirror sitting on top of trunk : (forces down shudders in fear of shattering self)

----------

Severus : (Lowers trunks very un-gently)

(Trunks landed with a loud 'thud')

Mirror still sitting on top of trunk : Owww! I am not exactly a young mirror anymore! I am very fragile-

Severus : (seems very disappointed that the mirror hasn't broke into a thousand pieces) Shut. Up.

Mirror sitting on top of trunk : You over-use that phrase, you know that? (looks up) Hey, nice chandelier!

Severus : (bangs head on a portrait) Why meeeeeee!

Strange reedy voice : I'd appreciate if you would stop that. It doesn't hurt, not really, but it bothers me awhile when someone keep squashing his head into my abdomen.

Severus : (looks up, face inches from portrait) Huh?

(A sage-looking wizard showed up in the portrait. He was in Slytherin color, green and silver, and has a pointed beard)

Wizard in portrait : (checks Severus from head to toe) Hmm, you look familiar... (thinks)

Mirror sitting on top of trunk : (shouts quickly) He is Severus Snape, formerly known as Potions Master of Hogwarts, but he is sacked. He is now a fifteen-year-old kiddie waiting to be readmitted into school-

Severus : (angrily) SHUT UP YOU SICK ATTENTION-SEEKING PIECE OF BRASS!

Wizard in portrait : (curls beard with two fingers) Hmm, I remember you Severus, my name is Phineas Nigellus-

Severus : (turns back to portrait, but keeps his face out of it) I know who you are! I am a professor in Hogwarts for fourteen years!

Phineas : (ignores Severus and talks to Mirror sitting on top of trunk) : Hullo, long time no see. The last time I saw you was back in my forties I believe, in Snape Manor... Scamblus makes the best mirrors there are...

Severus : (goes down on one knee abruptly)

Phineas : (surprised) What are you doing Severus?

Severus : (stands up and shakes his head)

Phineas : As I am saying, Scamblus-

Severus : (kneels down quickly)

Phineas : ???

Severus : (stands up and pants) Some sick ancestor of mine put a curse into our clan that any Snape should kneel upon the names of their forebear.

Phineas : (wickedly) That's funny. (Shouts) Scamblus! Sampson! Staquio! Shimerthon!

Severus : (stands up and kneels down repeatedly)

Phineas : Mwahahahahahahaha! Funny!

Severus : (out of breath and can do nothing more than send a basilisk glare to Phineas)

Phineas : (dodges glare easily) Hey how are you, mirror sitting on top of trunk? 

Mirror sitting on top of trunk : I would prefer you call me 'The antique piece of omniscience'. I am fine, of course not as fine as those days that I got to be polished by three house-elves in the morning, but I will survive. How are you then?

Phineas : (shakes head) This house is occupied by way too many half-bloods that it reeks, and since that great-great-grandson of mine- _decided to join Satan in his barbecue_- (stifles a sob) and that Potter boy was gone, no one ever came in here anymore.

Mirror sitting on top of trunk : (sympathetically) Oooh, don't worry, you won't be lonely anymore- Sevvie and I are staying for the summer. 

Severus : (furiously) I am _not_ staying in this room! Not with- with- (points portrait with one shaky finger)

Phineas : C'mon Sevvie, you can't be spotted by the Order or they may report to Duncanball-

Severus : (automatically) Dumbledore.

Phineas : (dismissively) Whatever. This is the last place they will find you, really! (smiles pleasingly)

Mirror sitting on top of trunk : (tries to nudge Severus but discovers that it has no limbs to do so) Sevvieee? (tries to be sweet) 

Severus : (exasperatedly throws hands into the air) Ok, OKAY! I will stay! And don't call me Sevvie! (shudders)

Phineas : (seems to have taken a great liking in Severus) At least you are a pure-blood, Sevvie-doohickey-

Severus : Arghhhhh! (turns towards door)

Mirror sitting on top of trunk : (still sweetly) Severus-

Severus : (stops, turn and give mirror sitting on top of trunk a suspicious glare)

Mirror sitting on top of trunk : Before you storm out, can you hang me beside Phineas? Please? (voice so sweet that you can taste it)

----------

_Two days later_

Mirror on the wall (Yeah, it is on a wall again, but this wall is different from _that_ wall... ok, shutting up) : Severus?

Severus : (lying on his belly in a king-sized bed) Hmmm?

Mirror on the wall : (whiningly) I am borrrrrrred.

Severus : (not taking eyes off book) So?

Mirror on the wall : _So?!_ Can't we spend sometime together, doing something? Like, swim?

Severus : (still not looking up) I can soak you in the tub if you want.

Mirror on the wall : (frustrated) No! That's not what I mean! I mean, we don't spend time together anymore...

Severus : (finally sitting up) When had we ever spent time together? (ponders) We can play throw and catch if you really want to. I can throw a ball, or better, a stone at you and you can catch it.

Mirror on the wall : Hey, I saw that evil grin! 

Severus : (grins evilly) Shut up if you don't want me to deform you.

Mirror on the wall : (does what it does best, whine) But I am _bored!_

Severus : (rubs temple tiredly) If I give you something to do, would you leave me alone?

Mirror on the wall : (thinks seriously) Um... I will- I guess.

Severus : (flunks something across the room and returns to his book)

----------

Phineas : O The antique piece of omniscience, what's that you are reading?

Mirror on the wall : "Cauldron and Robes", it's a very interesting read.

Phineas : (interested) Oh is that so? What's in there?

Mirror on the wall : Look, this section is called 'Know yourself more, know yourself better! The in-depth analyze of every single kind of wizard ever walked on Earth '. It is very intriguing- (calls) Severus? Would you mind answering a few questions? Would you? Would you? (if it had legs it would have been jumping up and down)

Severus : (acidly) Yes I would.

Mirror on the wall : (fails to notice his reply) Ok, here goes. First, what is your favorite sweet? A, Chocolate Frogs; B, Licorice Wands; C, Bertie Bott's Every-Flavour Beans and D, I hate sweets.

Severus : (grudgingly) D.

Mirror on the wall : Hmm... Second, what is your favorite drink? A, Pumpkin juice; B, Butterbeer; C, My Animagus form is a camel, I can drink once and go eight days without any kind of liquid and D, Pumpkin juice.

Severus : That's two pumpkin juice.

Phineas : You actually _ like_ pumpkin juice?

Severus : (snorts) No! I don't like pumpkin juice!

Phineas : Then why did you say 'two pumpkin juice'?

Severus : (hotly) Because there are two pumpkin juice! A, pumpkin juice and D, pumpkin juice!

Phineas : So you choose A and D? 

Severus : (very very pissed off) I say I don't like pumpkin juice!!

Phineas : (puzzled) Then why did you choose A and D?

Severus : Grrrrr. I choose C!

Phineas : (raises an eyebrow) You are a _camel?_ I am impressed.

----------

_Half an hour later_

Mirror on the wall : Number 54, what is the frequency of you saying 'I love you' to someone? A, Every other hour; B, Once a week; C, Once a year, when you must on some kind of anniversary and D, Never.

Severus : (sounding exhausted) D.

Mirror on the wall : Yay! We are finished! I've got your results here!

Phineas : Where? Lemme see! Lemme see!!

Severus : I am so glad that's over. (slumps on bed)

Mirror on the wall : (reads) Type D is the most unpleasant type. They are sadistic, sardonic and cynical. They enjoy criticizing and ordering others. Their greatest joy in life is intimidating and belittling the people around them. They also take great pleasure in terrorizing anyone in a ten-meter radius. Some hobbies of them includes Dark Arts and Exorcism. This grim personality of them is mostly caused by a dark childhood, abuses or lack of friends. They like to sulk in dank dungeons and most fail to see the good in life. Solution: There is almost nothing to do to these sad creatures forgotten by the Almighty, they have no future, next to no redemption. But if your friend is one of this type, don't be discouraged by his cold freezing appearance or his attempt to hex you into hell every time you approach him, deep down, he is just a lost, broken, lonely boy waiting for your love and acceptance.

Phineas : That is so sad! (sobs) C'mon Sevvie, come to uncle Phineas, I will give you a big hug-

Severus : I am not going anywhere near _you!_

Mirror on the wall : 'Don't be discouraged by his cold freezing appearance or his attempt to hex you into hell every time you approach him', Phineas, 'he is just a lost, broken, lonely boy waiting for your love and acceptance'.

Severus : (indignantly) I am _not_ lost, broken or lonely!

Phineas : Poor kid. He is so rejective. 

Severus : Grrrr. (throws self under pillows)

----------

Mirror on the wall : Listen, 'What is the body part that would expand four times in size when stimulated?'

Severus : (under pillows) Ithortyusay yuwot bother meifIgivyu somfingtodo.

Mirror on the wall : You reminds me of my niece when you mumble.

Severus : (sits up and racks a hand in his hair) I thought you said you won't bother me if I give you something to do.

Mirror on the wall : C'mon, this is not bothering, this is fun! 

Severus : I consider being asked a thousand questions bothering.

Mirror on the wall : (hurt) This is only the fifteenth riddle.

Phineas : What's the answer? Tell me! Tell me! 

(Mirror on the wall whispers answer to Phineas)

Phineas : Oh, that's easy! Try it Sevvie, it is easy!

Severus : (wonders whether he has enough magic left to hex both his mirror and Phineas to where ever Voldemort is) I won't answer that.

Mirror on the wall : Oh, you don't know the answer? Come on, it's not that difficult! 'What- is- the- body- part- that- would- expand- four- times- in- size- when- stimulated?'

Severus : (turns into a beautiful shade of pink)

Phineas : (laughs really loudly) Tehehe, Sevvie is blushing!

Severus : (flushes deeper) Am not!

Phineas : (sings) Severus' a sissy, Severus' a sissy!

Severus : (screams) I am _NOT_ a sissy and I do not blush! And I know the answer!

Phineas : (skeptically) Oh, is that it? Let's hear it then- or are you too afraid to say the answer out loud?

Severus : (shaking with anger) I ain't afraid of nothing! The answer is p-p-p-

Phineas : (smirks)

Severus : P-p-p- (cheeks turning into a hue of crimson that would make a Griffindor jealous)

Mirror on the wall : You got it, it is the _pupils_! Boy, you are good at riddles!

Severus : ?! 

----------

Mirror on the wall : Okay, Across 10, (reads) 'What is the muggle coffee shop that starts with a 'S' and ends with a 'S' too?' There are one, two, three- nine boxes.

Phineas : I don't know. 'Stupidgas'?

(nine boxes marked 'Across 10' in the crossword puzzle gleam in red for a second)

Mirror on the wall : Hmm- that means it's not correct- how about 'Straydogs'?

(boxes gleam red again)

Phineas : (thinks hard) Er- 'Stoneyass'?

(boxes gleam like mad)

Mirror on the wall : This is hard...'Scoooters'?

Phineas : There's only two 'o's in scooters.

Mirror on the wall : (stubbornly) Maybe muggle scooters have three 'o's.

(boxes gleam red)

Phineas : Har har. It is wrong anyway.

Mirror on the wall : Hey, you didn't get it right, so you can't talk-

Severus : (speaks from the bed) How about 'Scarsucks'?

(boxes think for a moment, but gleam red anyway)

Severus : Arghhh. I don't care. (returns to book)

Mirror on the wall : (annoyed) This is the most difficult crossword puzzle I've ever tried! 

Phineas : Who cares about muggles? Let's try another puzzle.

(together they drop the '100 words about muggles for 5 years old or below' crossword puzzle and try the 'Dark Puzzle') 

----------

_Three weeks later_

(All three in the room was bored to death, the 194th. issue of 'Cauldron and Robes' was left forgotten on the floor.)

Phineas : (bored) I am bored.

Mirror on the wall : (bored) Me too. Do you have more magazines, Severus?

Severus : (bored) No. Even if I do I am not giving you one. Last time I did it proved to be disastrous, I am never giving you another magazine.

Mirror on the wall : (bored) Selfish little brat.

Severus : (stuck tongue out at mirror on the wall, and yes, bored)

(Silence)

Severus : (bored) I wonder why isn't my letter arriving yet.

Mirror on the wall : (sing-song voice) O this boy here thought he could fool Hogwarts into admitting him-

Phineas : (right on cue) But little did he realize, the chance is really dim-

Mirror on the wall : And slim-

Phineas : (echoes) And grim...

Severus : (grits teeth) Must you two speak in rhyme?

Mirror on the wall / Phineas : No, we can always mime! (burst out laughing)

Severus : (rolls eyes) Okay, you two _are_ bored...

(Something taps on the window)

Severus : (walks over to window) Oh jolly! It's my letter!

Phineas : How can owls find this place? It's concealed!

Severus : (dismissively) They are magical. 

Phineas : (sarcastically) Yeah, that explains everything.

Severus : I chose not to respond to your savage remarks. (opens letter) You are just jealous because no one ever sent you anything.

Phineas : Jealous? _JEALOUS? _Of _you? _I can stay at Hogwarts for as long as I want, unlike you, who had to trick some stupid owls by drinking some stupid potion! Not to mention you have greasy hair! (alarmed) What are you grinning at?

Severus : (gleefully) Ha! Looks like I need to visit Diagon Alley tomorrow! (waves hand in air in an horrible attempt to dance)

----------

A/N: So, what do you think? Not too stretched I hope... and hope this brings some laugh out of ya! Now, please REVIEW! (And my other stories too, thanks!)


	3. Diagon Alley

Disclaimer: Everything in the HP universe is J.K.Rowling's. Although Sevvie longed for me (ok, and freedom) and struggled to get away from her grip, he had yet succeeded. But no fear! We would never cease trying and in the foreseeable future we'd get our way and live happily ever after in his mansion. Yay!

A/N: I am terribly sorry for not updating so long!! It's half a month since I last updated. *Sigh* Apart from the usual excuses, the most important thing is that I have writing blocks. I don't even _like_ the story anymore... But for my dearest reviewers I tried to write a new chapter, which is pretty impossible when I don't like the plot anymore. 

**crazy2: **O' course I'd mention you, my faithful reviewer! And one of the reasons I continued this is because of your conveniently placed threat at the end of this review. *shudders* Please don't hurt me!

**Shadow-Mistress: **Sorry I didn't hurry up! But since some of you like this so much I decided to put one more chapter and see how you like it...

**MoonlitMeow: **Sevvie is so cute and you're definitely not the only one who loves him with all your heart! Nice suggestion and I let his hair washed in the chapter, hope ya like it!

**Vessa: **Once again it is becoz of your kind reviews I put one more chapter. Please tell me what you think!

**N Snape: **Thankies! Glad to know this bring a few laughs to you!

**ChocolatePudding2:** I did mention Sevvie's 15 in the previous chapter. That means he will be in fifth year. Keep reading!

**Kishi Kat: **Here's more! Please review and tell me what you think!

**Erikalya Arvanesse: ***dodges another Avada curse* I know it's you! It's you who sent them! Agrhhh!! I am soorryyyy! I will update sooner next time, please don't let them get meeeee!! *Voldemort and 9 D.E laughs evilly at the background*

I want you guys to know how grateful I am to all of you. Please enjoy the chapter and leave me a comment!

----------

(The sky is blissfully clear, a few whips of cloud float idly around. It is a beautiful summer afternoon. Diagon Alley is filled with excited students and parents doing their 'back-to-school' shopping)

Severus : Finally! That knight bus ride is ridiculous! (steps, eh, _reels_ into the wizard street)

(The crowd parts as Severus stumbles along, eyeing him disapprovingly)

Severus : (still reeling) Hmm...which will be my first stop? Flourish and Blotts? Madam Malkin's Robes? The apothecary's nice, gotta get some more unicorn tears... and Ollivander's too, need to fix wand... Knockturn Alley...Hmmm...

(People stare as Severus walks in zigzag fashion and rants on)

Severus : (the teenage boy kicks in) But maybe Florean Fortescue's Ice-cream Parlour...cookie n' cream and raspberry cheesecake...mmmm...maybe tinkles, too...tehehehe...

(A boy gapes at Severus, stunned, his mother rushes over)

Plump woman : (grasps boy's arm) What have I told you about lunatics, drunks, and drug addicts?

Boy : (terrified) Stay away?

(The woman and the boy scurried away)

Severus : (yells after them) Hey! Who are you talking about? I am no lunatic, drunk or drug addict! Come back here! HEY!!!

(Severus receives stares and goggles)

Severus : (glares)

(People turn away, pretending to be deeply absorbed in whatever business they are doing)

----------

(A very grumpy teenage boy walks into the great wizard bank, Gringotts, and approaches a goblin)

Severus : (grumpily) Hey gimme my money back.

Goblin : (peers down from desk) Who are you?

Severus : None of your business! Give me my money back, here is the key!

Goblin : (uninterested) You aren't getting no money if you don't tell me your name.

Severus : Why does everyone stand in my way? Why? (pulls out wand)

Goblin : (shouts) Guards! 

(An army of tough looking goblins, well, as tough as a goblin can look, appears)

Goblin : (points at trembling Severus) Robbery!

Severus : (wand still in hand, stunned) Er... it is just a joke...

Goblins : Do we look amused?

Severus : (uncertainly) Erm...sorry?

(4 goblins take him by his limbs and drag him out of the bank)

Severus : (echoes in hallway) NOOOOOoooooooooo...

----------

(A very bruised Severus limps into the bank for the forth time that day)

Goblin : Guards!!

Severus : (pants) Wait! (pants pants) wait...no please...I am Severus Snape and this is the key to my vault. Please don't drag me out again-

Goblin : (eyes Severus suspiciously)

Severus : (pants) I am not lying! (hands key)

Goblin : (takes key) Come 'ere.

Severus : (follows gratefully into cart)

(Cart wobbles and starts to move, clank-clank-clanking upwards)

Severus : (searches frantically) Hmm, don't they make these with safety belts?

Goblin : (grins) No, I have ripped those out. Keep your hands inside the cart at all times, and grab the handrail!

Severus : (screams) Handrail? But there's no ha- NOOOOOOooooooooo!!!!!

Goblin : (screams) YeeeeeHaaaaaaaaa!!!

(The cart plunges up and down into the depths of earth)

----------

(Severus staggers out of the bank looking every bit like a lunatic, a drunk, and a drug addict, and squints at the bright light)

Severus : Agrhh... 'nuff crazy rides for a day! It's not that scary when I was an adult! Agrhhhh... but I've got what I needed! (coins clink-clank in his robes) Off to Flourish and Blotts, then! 

(As he approaches Flourish and Blotts, he can see that it is stuffed with eager Hogwarts students.)

Assistant: (pleasantly) Good day, young sir! May I help you?

Severus: Yes, wait...(fumbles out booklist and reads) The Standard Book of Spells (Grade 5), History of Magic Made Easy For OWL Students, Defensive Magical Theory, Arithmancy is Easy (Even for Dunderheads Like You), Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them Volume Three... Hey! There's no potions!

Assistant: (busily finding books for his client) Haven't you heard? Hogwart's Potions Master has disappeared and they had yet to find a new one to replace him... here you are boy, 15 Galleons and 3 Sickles.

Severus: But surely they wouldn't cancel the potions class? 

Assistant: Nah, Dumbledore's gonna find someone. Makes one wonder where has that bat of a man gone. He had never left Hogwarts. Speaking of him, you do look-

Severus: (hastily) Here's the money. Keep the change. (bails)

----------

Severus: Hmm, I've got my new robes, cauldrons, and potions ingredients. (mutters) Grrr. That old crackpot. He'd better not cancel _my _potions lessons...

Sweet voice: Hello.

Severus: (turns)

(A girl with wavy blonde hair reaching her waist stands behind him. She has watery blue eyes and curly eyelashes. She flashed him a beautiful smile)

Severus: (stares)

Girl: Hi, my name's Rachel. What's yours?

Severus: (stammers) S-Severus.

Rachel: (giggles) Cute name!

Severus: (scowls) 

Rachel: We have just opened and is doing promotion! You can enjoy a 50% discount now!

Severus: (puzzled) Huh? Wha-

Rachel: C'mon, you certainly need our service! (puppy eyes)

Severus: But what's-

Rachel: (places one perfectly manicured hand on his arm) Please? Pretty please?

Severus: (blushes and mutters under breath) Stupid teenage hormones.

----------

(Rachel led Severus into the premise and left. The shop turns out to be a hair salon)

Severus: (mental scream) Noooo! Why me?! Why-

(A man who looks like he has never consumed anything but sugar and fat appears and interrupt his inner turmoil and angst)

Beefy Man: (booms) Welcome! (Combs his weenie-like fingers through Severus' hair, and pulled his hand back with great difficulty) Merlin. Before we can do anything to your hair it need to be washed. Jen!

Jen: (appears out of nowhere) Yes?

Severus: (stares and tries to determine whether Jen is a male or a female)

Beefy Man: Wash his hair.

(Severus stands stupefied as Jen covered him in black cloths. He was made to lie down, head in a sink)

Jen: (turns on tap) Whoa. What did you wash your hair with? No. Did you ever wash your hair?

Severus: (indignantly) I don't need your comments about my ha- OUCH!

Jen: Sorry. Your hair's all tied up (oof) so I (agrh) need to-

Severus: STOP! IT HURTS!

Jen: (digs hands into Severus' greasy hair) It won't hurt as much if you would just- stay- STILL!!

Severus: _You_ won't stay still if someone is trying to pull- OWW- your scalp out! (struggles) 

Jen: _Straitimus!_

(brown leather belts appear around Severus' waist, wrists and ankles. He can no longer move)

Severus: You-!!!!

Jen: (laughs evilly) Talk some more and I'd have your mouth strapped too. 

(Severus shuts up but glares at Jen with all venom he possesses. Jen takes no notice and sings terribly when trying to wash Severus' hair)

Jen: (sings in shrill voice) Oh washing is so the bestie thingie to do in the whole wide world, washing with my tendie fingerie- (pours shampoo)

Severus: (sniffs) What? What is that?

Jen: Cinnamon and Caramel shampoo.

Severus: Can't I just have mint? I don't want-

Jen: No. (pours more sickly sweet shampoo onto his hair)

Severus: (patent die-you-stupid-brat-die glare)

Jen: (scratches Severus' head not-too-gently)

Severus: Awww that's very, _very _painful! Much like your death that I'm plann- MY EYES! MY EYES!

Jen: Stop being a sissy and shut up! (washes his ears)

Severus: (shudders) No! Not my ears!

Jen: (giggles) Are you ticklish? Are you? (rubs behind his ears)

Severus: For Merlin's sake stop that! (shudders involuntarily) 

Jen: Alright, you're done! (removes straps and helps Severus up)

Severus: (glower at Jen unsuccessfully as curtains of long black hair hung limply on his face)

Jen: (pinches Severus and pushes him forward) Come on cutie boy.

----------

Phineas: (stares at Severus) What happened Sevvie?

Mirror on the wall: (gawks) What in Merlin's name-

Severus: (glare-power used up, so he just slumps onto his bed) No one say anything_,_ you heard me? _Nothing._

Mirror on the wall: I thought you were just out to Diagon Alley? You looked like you visited hell.

Phineas: (sniggers) They sure have nice barbers in hell.

Severus: Didn't I just said NO one say ANYTHING about my hair?

Phineas: (pouts) I just said it's nice.

Severus: It's _not_ nice! It is anything but _nice!!!_

Mirror on the wall: Geez, chill out boy! That's a nice ponytail.

Phineas: Yeah, and your hair no longer reflect light like it did before. Looks pretty neat!

Severus: (furious) Are you two DEAF? NO ONE TALK ABOUT MY HAIR! 

(Phineas and Mirror on the wall exchange looks)

Severus: (hits pillows repeatedly) I hate haircuts. I hate hair washes. I hate ponytails! I HATE PONYTAILS!!!

Mirror on the wall: Well, if you hated it so much why don't you just take it off?

Severus: (pants) Can't- can't- can't take it off. Lo- looks like they used a magic band and I can't take it off myself. And I will never let anyone touch my hair!

Phineas: (consoling voice) It's okay dear. You are very cute with that-

Severus: (whines) How am I to belittle and intimidate others without my curtains of hair?

Mirror on the wall: (changes topic) Well, what else have you got?

Severus: (whines even louder) You won't believe this, Madam Malkin had run out of black robes. She got me this! (takes out robe)

---------- 

A/N: Here it is! The short chappie. And it's not even funny. *sigh* Anywayz, please drop me a review and let me know whether you want this to continue or not. And I loved suggestions! Let me know what color you want Sevvie's robes to be and who should be the new Potions Master. I am thinking Dumbledore, Sirius, Lockhart or anyone funny. And all you anonymous reviewers, please write your email so I can inform you when this is updated. Now, review and you'll receive a stab of honeyduke's best chocolate and a cyber hug. ^_^


	4. I am BACK, Hogwarts!

Disclaimer: Well, the plot's mine I guess, as so many of you say that it's original. But other than that, nothing's mine, really.

A/N: Bravo! 11 reviews! And many of you want this to continue... so here comes the new chapter!

**Vekura: **Sorry I forgot to reply you in the last chapter! As for the format... this story is just for fun. I do have a couple of more serious stories, check them out if you want! *wink*

**n snape: **Thanks! Yes he'll be sorted again! It's very fun to write, the sorting. Thanks for the suggestion and keep them coming!

**stargurl: **Thanks for the robes suggestion. I make it gold! And for the sake of that pretty please with a cherry on top I may get him a girlfriend later! Stay tuned!

**Moonlit Mage: **Hehehe, I think so too! His hair is the only one thing I can't stand, and yes, I washed it every night in my dream.

**shiroiryu144:** Thanks! I am tempted to make it rainbow colored, really, but he protested so badly I had to change it to... you better read and find out.

**Jess16: **Thanks. Hope you find this chapter funny as well!

**ScarletSparrow: **Here's more. Enjoy!

**Lady of the Loch: **Hmm is this hilarious? *reads the chapter again critically* Yes I think it is. Enjoy!

**Raven Dragonclaw: **He met Harry in this chapter, hope you like it!

**OtherHiccup: **Hi! *waves frantically* English is not my first language so my grammar is... well, thatz not an excuse. I'd be more careful next time! And no, I wouldn't mind if you start your Snape-gets-kicked-out story. The world can always use more Sevvie!! Please let me know when you've written one.

**crazy2: **Ho! Disneyland?! Cool. We'd have one here in Hong Kong 3 to 4 years later... long time, eh? *sighs* Anyways I won't dare to play those 'suicidal games', as my mom calls them. Hehehe. Have fun with this chapter!

----------

Phineas: O_o?!

Mirror on the wall: (lol. If it had an A it would have LIAO) 

Severus: (wails) How can I go to Hogwarts in Gold?! Glowing, sparkling gold? HOW? (throws robes onto the floor)

Mirror on the wall: (still laughing) Come on Sevvie, it can't be that bad.

Phineas: Yeah, it can very well be pink, no? (laughs and holds his side)

Severus: (hides face in hands and weeps)

----------

(The King's Cross station is very busy, packed with students and parents, as it usually is on the 1st of September. A sulking boy with a ponytail and an enormous trunk staggers into the station.)

Severus: Bah! (grimaces) Muggles stink!

Mirror in Severus' robes: Hear who's speaking! Honestly Severus, how long has it been since you last bathed?

Severus: (seethes) You keep talking and I'll throw you over the next platform I see.

(As he says this he slid through the barrier and onto the Platform Nine-and-Three-Quarters. Students are biding their parents goodbye and greeting their friends, as their trunks knocked against each other in the crowd.)

Hogwarts Express: (Hoots) Hoot-toot-toot!

Severus: Hmm better hurry or we can't get a decent compartment. (Pulls trunk onto train)

Mirror in Severus' robes: Do I get to sit by the window? Get a seat by the window! G-

Severus: Shut up. It's not like I'm going to hold you up- Damn, there aren't any empty compartments! This is all your fault!

Mirror in Severus' robes: (indignantly) How so? It is you who slept in!

Severus: (equally furious) Who's stuck to a wall this morning? You! Who cries and won't leave that portrait? You! It's all your bloo-

Boy: (pokes head out of compartment, sees that the racket is made by a boy arguing with himself, and regrets) Hey-

Severus: (glares) What.

Boy: (hesitates) Er... do you want to come in?

Severus: (glares) (pulls trunk into the cabin) (stares)

(The compartment is already occupied (DUH), and the only seat empty is the one beside none other than HARRY POTTER. Yes, the cabin is occupied by Harry and Co., the boy who invites Severus in is Colin Creevey.)

Severus: (inwardly groans)

Hermione: (flicks wand) (Severus' trunk fly up and sit comfortably on the rack) 

Harry: (smiles) Hullo! Take a seat! (pats seat)

Severus: (grudgingly obliges)

Ron: (chewing on some unknown sweet) Rewer semn ra bfrore- lew boi?

Hermione: (frowns) Don't talk when you are eating, Ron!

Ron: (swallows) (sheepish grin) Sorry 'Mione. (turns to Severus) As I am saying- never seen you before, are you transferred from somewhere else?

Severus: Er, n-

Colin: How old are you?

Severus: (thinks) Erm, I think fift-

Colin: _Think?_

Severus: I am _sure _I am f-

Colin: I have a brother, have you? Have you? (bounces up and down)

Severus: (very annoyed) How is that-

Colin: _Cool! _

Severus: (completely lost) (turns to Harry) Is he always like that?

Harry: (shrugs causally) (hands over one of his many treats) Yeah. Chocolate frog?

Colin: (snatches the pack of sweet)

Severus: Hey that was-

Colin: (pokes tongue out at him) Catch me if you CANNNNnnnn- (runs out of compartment screaming at the top of his voice)

Severus: (goggles) (looks at Trio)

Trio: (shrugs) 

----------

Hermione: (bossy sort of voice) Boys, I think it is about time we change into our school robes.

Ron: (looks up from the Exploding Snap game the three boys are playing) (groans) We're there already?

Harry: (put down cards) I think-

(Cards explode)

Severus: (crackles) Muahahaha! I won!

Harry: Grrr, that's not fair! I am distracted!

Ron: I believe this calls for another game!

Severus: (smirks smugly) No matter how many times we play I'll still win.

Harry: Yeah? Wanna bet?

Ron: (enthusiastically) Are we playing with real money-

Hermione: (flicks wand vigorously) (cards disappear) Change now or _I'll _ change you!

Boys: (Hastily take out robes)

Hermione: (nose in air) (stomps out of cabin) (slams door)

Severus: (winces) Touchy. She's always like that as well? 

Ron: (struggles to pull robes that obviously don't fit overhead) Not always, but yeah, she can get touchy at times.

Harry: Especially during _those_ times of the month-

Boys: (sniggers)

(The compartment's door suddenly slides open with a heavy crash)

Hermione: (screeching) I heard THAT!

(The boys, who aren't quite finish dressing yet, cover various body parts and squealed)

Severus: Ahhhhhhhh! (attempts to cover his bare chest and- ah- lower parts with only a pair of hands)

Harry: Ahhhhhhhh! (threw arms around himself and shows his underpants)

Ron: Ahhhhhhhhh! (covers his eyes and shows, his entire body)

Hermione: Ahhhh- Stop screaming like a sissy and finish dressing already! (slams door once more)

----------

(The boys have finally gotten over the shock and are now properly dressed in their school robes. Severus' robes are no longer gold, but a badly- transformed, sick kind of mix between navy blue and ink green)

Harry: (glances) No offence, but strange color!

Ron: (sympathize look) I know how it is, mate. (pats Severus on the shoulder) Say, how many brothers owned that before you?

Severus: (growls) This is brand new.

Hermione: (perfectly cheerful again) We are almost there! Come here Ron- (pins prefect badge on Ron's robes) You two better pin your name tags as well.

Harry/Severus: Okay. (Pin name tags)

Ron: (stares) Your name's Snape?

Hermione: (follows Ron's gaze) No wonder you look so oddly familiar. Your related to Snape?

Severus: Well, yes, sort of.

Harry: (incredulously) Really?! You're related to Snape? That greasy git? 

Hermione: Harry!

Harry: (furtively pokes tongue out) Sorry.

Severus: (nods rigidly) Apology accepted.

Ron: Say, is he your father?

Severus: Er, no.

Harry: Your uncle?

Ron: Your cousin?

Harry: Your brother?

Ron: Your _grandfather?_

Severus: No! Actually, (Harry/Ron look at him expectantly) ah-

Hermione: (importantly) We're here! Come Ron, we need to escort the second years! See you guys a minute later! (drags Ron out of compartment)

Severus: (sighs secretly in relief)

Harry: (tugs his sleeve) C'mon, we'd better get going too.

----------

(Harry and Severus arrives the gate of Hogwarts with the rest of the fifth years. Professor McGonagall is already waiting for them.)

McGonagall: Welcome back! Now all of you know where your tables are. Off you go to the Great Hall.

Students: (moves slowly towards the Great Hall)

McGonagall: Mr. Snape, please leave behind.

Severus: Huh? (stops)

Other students: (stops) (turns in interest)

McGonagall: That way, Mr. Snape. (points to where Hagrid just enter with a bunch of first years)

Severus: Why?

McGonagall: (loses patience) Your readmission into Hogwarts has cost me enough trouble, Mister, and now you will follow my orders without trivial questions, understand? 

Severus: (shrugs) Whatever you say, Minerva. (moves)

McGonagall: (shakes with fury) It's Professor McGonagall to you, _Mr. Snape! _Twenty points from Sly- from whatever house you're sorted in!

Severus: (stops) (stares) WHAT? I am to be sorted again?

McGonagall: (snarls so loudly that the armors in the hallway rattle) YES! No one has ever entered Hogwarts twice, and your re-entry disrupted the house system! Every new student need to be sorted, and you are no different! 

Severus: (covers ears) Okay, okay! No need to shout, geez! I will be sorted okay? _Professor McGonagall. _(moves again)

McGonagall: (fists clenching) (sickly sweet voice) That would be fine, _Severus. _

Students: (gasps)

Neville: (faints)

----------

Hermione: (pants) Finally settled down! Those second years are terrible, honestly.

Ron: They seems to be particularly restless this year, I wonder why- (sits down beside Harry)

Hermione: Yeah. (sits down beside Ron) (turns to Harry) Hey what is the news that Neville fainted on our first day back?

Harry: What? You don't know yet?

Ron: (sarcastically) No, we don't know yet, but please don't tell me, because I'm sure I can guess.

Harry: (ignores him) Snape is back!

Hermione: (groans) Oh, crap. I was hoping to have a new Potions Professor.

Harry: No! He is back as a student! The boy we met on the train, that's him!

Hermione: (stares) You're kidding.

Ron: You sure are weird when you're hungry, Harry.

Harry: (exasperatedly) I'm serious! Look! (points at stage)

----------

(Surely, the boy with a ponytail was up on the stage and eyeing the Sorting Hat with great dislike.)

Mirror in Severus' robes: Go on Sev, just get it over with!

Severus: (mutters under breath) Presumptuous piece of rug. (puts on hat)

Sorting Hat: Hey I heard that boy! Watch it or I'll sort you into Hufflepuff.

Severus: You won't dare. 

Sorting Hat: Let's do a little mind-reading, shall we? Hmmm- what the-? You're Severus Snape! 

Severus: (irritably) Well thanks for disclosing that very secretive piece of information to me!

Sorting Hat: Huffl-

Severus: I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

Sorting Hat: (smirks) 

Severus: Just sort me into Slytherin.

Sorting Hat: No way! 

Severus: Why not?! You've sorted me into Slytherin years ago! You know I'm nothing but Slytherin!

Sorting Hat: I don't think so. There are some intelligence in you, I see, though far too little to let you in Ravenclaw-

Severus: (growls) I hate you.

Sorting Hat: I know that. You called me a 'Bastard of a Hat' when you're only a first year.

Severus: (grits teeth) That's because you commented that my hair was greasy.

Sorting Hat: Well, it _was! _ Dumbledore had to wash me with the strongest degreasing potion there was afterwards! I can still _feel _the oil on my brim...

Severus: (plans to tear the hat into pieces)

Sorting Hat: Hey I read that thought! Hmm- you haven't any sense of unity that can blend you in with the Hufflepuffs-

Severus: I told you Slytherin is the only place for me.

Sorting Hat: Better be- GRIFFINDOR!!

Severus: (jumps up) (throws hat on floor) Nooooooo!! You grudging piece of worthless cloth that call yourself a hat! You- (attempts to kick the hat)

McGonagall: (cries) Hagrid!

Hagrid: Yes Min'rva! Come 'Ere boy! (pulls back struggling Severus)

Severus: I'll tear you into tatters! You ugly- HEY! LEMME GO!! (kicks and bites Hagrid)

Hagrid: Oww watch it boy! (drags Severus away)

(The Hall falls quiet, so very quiet...)

Everyone: O_o??!! 

Dumbledore: (clears his throat) Ahem. Eh...

Everyone: (looks up to him and waits for an explanation)

Dumbledore: Er..erm... Ahhh. Tuck in? (sits back down)

(Food appears immediately on the tables)

Harry/Ron/Hermione/Lavender/Parvati/Seamus/Dean/Ginny/many other Griffindors: (exchange looks) Does that mean Snape is in our house?!

----------

A/N: This chapter is better, I kinda get rid of my writer blocks... suggestions are welcomed, and the Hogwart's Potions Master post is not given to anyone yet. Apply (vote) for your characters today! Dumbledore, Sirius, Lockhart...anyone! Anyone who reviews gets a rub in the back by Draco (until stock last). SO REVIEW TODAY!! ^_*


	5. First time Griffindor

Disclaimer: It's a real shock, yeah, I know. But none of this belongs to me. Sadly.

A/N: Wow, for such a pointless story I am getting plenty of reviews! Of course I am not complaining...Thank you for everyone leaving me a nice message and for coming back again! 

**Raven Dragonclaw: **Thanks for the suggestion. As for the mirror... it was shrunk. In this chapter Sevvie's going to change it back.

**Dark Magician Girl: **Complete chaos. Sounds good to me! Thanks for your vote!

**Erikalya Arvanesse: **Great suggestion...never thought of that! But hopefully it will find some friends in the Griffindor dorm.

** OtherHiccup: **I do have fun writing this, thanks! Hope you enjoy this as much!

**kelek: **That Selfish Goldfish thing probably came when I was having my Economics lesson. My teacher is so like a goldfish! *gag* Keep on reading!

**Mary Snape: **Thanks! He talks with his mirror cause he doesn't have anyone else to talk to. Poor Sev!

**nspae: **There are some Draco in this chapter, hope ya like it!

**Espeon 3: **Thanks for the suggestions!

**Oracle Phoenix: **Thanks! Keep reading!

**hattrick: **I am sorry, I really don't mean to keep you waiting! But school is wearing me down... Anywayz.

**Mage Kitty: **Glad you like it! I am starting to think I am torturing Sevvie too much... hehe.

**ScarletSparrow: **Hey! Glad you like this so much! Please don't hurt yourself from falling too much off the chair! *wink*

** crazy2: **Wow, you've been to so many places, and I am stuck here with my stupid school...*pout* Anyway keep reading!

**Rionell: **Thanks! *blush* Keep reading it, it is getting better!

** Aindel S. Druida: **Hmm, good point. How am I going to free Sirius? Can I just say: He is freed because this is my fic? *ponders*

** klee-babe: **Ahhh *runs like hell* Don't hit me! I tried to write faster by typing on two computers at the same time, but that didn't work! Sorreeeee!!!

** Louise Luvgood: **That's a hilarious image! I am having a hard time breathing too reading that... Keep reading and reviewing! 

** Dragon Lady: **Here it is!

----------

(After the feast, every student returns to their respective Common Rooms)

Harry: Merlin's beard, I can't believe we're housemates with Snape!

Ron: This is ridiculous! I mean, there's no righteousness or courage in that git.

Dean: (looks left and right) (seeing that McGonagall is not nearby, speaks up) Hey, you think it is against the school rules to call a housemate a git?

Ron: (unsurely) Nah, I don't think so.

Seamus: Tell me I don't need to share a bathroom with him! Tell me-

(The boys fall silent as Severus climbed through the portrait hole grumpily)

Severus: (shrieks) Ahh!! My eyes, my eyes!!!! (covers his eyes with both his hands)

Hermione: (panics) (rushes over) What's wrong? What's wrong with your eyes? W-

Severus: (still shrieking) It's red and gold put _together! _I think my retinas' burnt!

Hermione: (indignantly smacks his head) (walks away with hands on hips and nose in air)

Boys: (double over and boom with laughter)

Severus: (stands back up and rubs back of head with a dumbfounded expression)

Ron: (wipes a tear away) My, I haven't seen her so angry for a long time.

Severus: What's with all these decoration? It's all in the wrong colors!

Harry: (sarcastically) They are the rightest colors you can find in the whole world, _housemate._

Severus: And what's with the fire? Are you guys cold-blooded animals or something? It's _September, _for goodness sakes.

Dean: (confused) Cold-blooded?

Severus: Yeah, cold-blooded as in _bugs, fishes _and _lizards, _that way you have to be kept warm all the time. Slytherin's Common Room never have fire until December-

Ron: (sniggers) That's why they are so stupid? Their brain cells' freezed to death?

Severus: -Griffindor's symbol should totally be a _lizard _or something-

McGonagall: (pops out of nowhere) You've got something to say about our symbol that had been used for over a thousand years, Mr. Snape?

Severus: (exclaims with raised eyebrows) Minerva!

Boys: (get caught in laughing fit again)

McGonagall: (swiftly) Twenty points from Slytherin. Now go to your dorms, boys. You've got lessons tomorrow.

Severus: WHAT? I am not even in Sly-

(At that point a hand covers his mouth and he is dragged up to the dorms by several very amused Griffindors)

----------

(The dormitory is decorated pretty like the Common Room, so the 'my retinas are burnt' thing goes all over again)

Seamus: (walks over to his bed) Man, you're the biggest whiner I've ever met! Second biggest, okay, right behind Malfoy.

Severus: (pouts)

Harry: (covers his eyes and feels that _his _retinas are burning) Aww! Don't do that, it's so disturbing.

Severus: (pouts even more, whether he is pouting because of the comment or just because he wants to annoy Harry, nobody knows)

Dean: (ignores them and walks over to his bed too)

Severus: (starts over to a neatly arranged bed)

Harry: Hey! That's my bed!

Ron: The orange one's mine.

Severus: (walks over to the last bed in the room) (pulls curtains)

Neville: Zzzzz. 

Severus: ?!

Ron: (a grinning edge in his voice) Don't attempt to wake him up, Neville bites anyone who tries to wake him before seven.

Neville: (growls and grinds his teeth) Hmmm... Zzzzzzzzzz.

Severus: What about me? Don't I have a bed? 

Harry: (points over to the far end of the room) There, that's for you I guess.

Severus: (gasps) _That _is for me?

Harry: (shrugs) Yeah, your luggage's all there. Goodnight.

Ron: Goodnight pals.

Seamus: Sweet dreams.

Neville: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Dean: _Nox._

(The lights go out immediately)

Severus: (glowers but to no avail as his glower cannot penetrate through the closed curtains) (sighs) (walks over to the far end)

(The room is only lit by the dim moon) 

(eerie shadows dances on the carpet)

Severus: (takes out mirror and changes it back to its normal size) (hangs it on the wall beside the window)

Mirror on the wall: Zzzz... hmmm? Are we there yet?

Severus: (sighs) Yeah, we are in the Griffindor dorm. (slumps down in his own 'bed')

Mirror on the wall: (if it had an eyebrow it would have been cocking it) Nice hammock.

Severus: (sighs again) (looks out of window)

Mirror on the wall: (concerned) Missing the Serpent's Den?

Severus: (watches as the moon slips behind a cloud) Yeah.

----------

Severus: (frustrated) This- Just- Won't- Budge!! (Yanks hard) Owwww!

Ron: (groans) Keep it down, would ya? It's _morning._

Dean: (repeats like a zombie) _Morning._

Severus: (frowns) I take that you guys aren't morning persons? (yanks again) Ouchhh!

Neville: (sits up with a big smile on his face) (stretches and yawns) G' Morning everyone! Isn't this just the nicest morn- (falls back as a pillow hits him square in the nose)

Dean: (zombie-like voice) Good shot Ronnie.

Ron: (monotone like those voices in bad cassettes) Don't call me Ronnie.

Severus: Agh- (yanks) Ouch- (yanks) I hope this- (yanks) would- (yanks) come down!!

Seamus: What's the matter with you? You wanna yank your scalp out or something?

Severus: (horrified) I don't want to be bald!

Dean: (robotic voice) Why are you pulling your hair then?

Severus: Agrh- (yanks one final time and slumps into hammock in defeat) This is not going to work. I am going to die of shame! (hides face in hands)

Ron: (his voice makes Frankenstein's angelic) You should a long time ago.

Seamus: What's the problem anyway?

Severus: (looks up) Damn that guy who cut my hair. He had put in magical gel and now even with_out_ a ribbon my hair sticks out like a ponytail! (teary eyes)

Seamus: Have you try something called a comb?

Severus: (incredulously) You guys' got a _what_?!

Seamus: (shrugs) Well, Neville's got one.

Neville: (sits up again) What? Me? (sees that Severus is glaring at him) Ahh! (faints)

Dean: Should we revive him? He'd be late for breakfast if he remain fainted.

Ron: (pulls a face) It's your turn.

Dean: No. It's Seamus' turn.

Seamus: Me? Heck no, it's _your _turn.

Severus: (a comb sticking out of his head like a knife) NO! This- Is- STUCK! (yanks)

Seamus: Where did ya find that comb?

Ron: Are we waking him up or not?

Dean: (grimaces) Do we have to?

Severus: Can any- AGH- of you please- YOW- give me a- OUCH- hand here? It would- ACK- be very much appreciated.

Seamus: Yeah, you suggested it, you do it. C'mon, he's not going to bite you. Not as badly as last time, anyway.

Dean: I am not so sure. (starts over to Neville reluctantly)

Severus: AWWWW.

Ron: (shouts) Stop poking him with _my _wand! Just get it over with! (Dean makes a rude sign at Ron) Hey!

Harry: (walks in with hair dripping wet) Merlin, what is all this racket about?

Seamus: I've got this idea. Why don't you go wash your hair? Maybe the comb will come out if your hair's wet.

(Severus nods curtly and leaves for the showers)

Ron: He's coming around! He's com- Run Dean, RUN!!!

(Dean needs not be told twice and starts to run with Neville close behind, snapping his jaws)

Neville: Die, devil, DIE!

Harry: (beckoning the bathroom door) Hey did you guys change the shampoo?

Ron: No, why? 

Harry: Hmm, must be Peeves then. The shampoo's lavender and honey. Good thing I brought in my own Mint shampoo.

Dean: (gasping for breath and fending off Neville who is trying to chomp his left leg) Lavender and- (gasp, gasp) honey?!

Seamus: Ewwww.

Harry: Yeah, be careful when you-

(A distant shriek rang through the dorm, resembling that of a desperate, agonizing wounded beast)

Harry, Ron, Dean, Seamus, Neville: (exchange nervous glances)

----------

Harry: (looks to his left at Ron)

Ron: (looks to his left at Neville)

Neville: (looks to his left at Dean)

Dean: (looks to his left at Seamus)

Seamus: (looks back at Dean)

All: (shrugs)

Hermione: Morning boys!

Lavender: Morning sweeties. (kisses Dean on the cheek)

All: Morning 'Mione, Lavender.

Hermione: (curiously) What's the matter?

Seamus: (points furtively at his left)

(There sits a very irritated looking Severus, his hair still in a ponytail. But at least the comb's gone)

Ron: He sort of washed his hair with lavender and honey shampoo.

Hermione: What? He did _what?_

Harry: (grimly) That's right, he washed his hair with lavender and honey shampoo.

Lavender: (tilts head) But that's _lovely!_ What's the problem with lovely shampoos? 

Dean: The problem is, it is a shampoo that you girls think is lovely. (receives death glares and a pinch on the arm) Oww!

Hermione: Anyways, let's start eating, shall we? (helps herself with scrambled egg)

All: (starts to eat)

Severus: (pushes the food around in his plate) I hate hash browns.

Seamus: Try the hotdogs then. (stuffs a hotdog into mouth)

Severus: (stares as Seamus munches on his piece of meat open-mouth) I hate hotdogs.

Seamus: Rail me, ish there awey thing you donch hate insh thish world?

Severus: (frowns) I hate it when people talk before swallowing properly.

Seamus: (rolls eyes and continue eating)

Hermione: (calls) Griffindors, listen up! We are passing the time-tables now, please go to your respective classrooms punctually. Any enquiries regarding the time-tables, please come to see me or Ronald Weasley. Thank you for your attention! (sits down)

Severus: (takes his time-table from Seamus and reads) Hey, I've got Divination and Arithmancy! I hate Divination! Who decides that I should take Divination? What kind of imbecile-

Hermione: I did, as a matter of fact. Well, Professor McGonagall seems to think that you created a great nuisance re-entering Hogwarts, and don't want to waste time over such trivial matters. So she asked me to decide your subjects. 

Severus: But I hate Divination!

Hermione: (smiles sweetly) You study what I have chosen, or I enrol you in Muggle Studies.

Severus: Ahhh, but of course my preferences don't matter! Divination would prove to be greatly useful, I am sure! 

Hermione: (continue to smile) Glad you like the choices! You know, I spent as much as three minutes drawing lots for this.

----------

Dean: Phew, that's a lot to take in for a morning, no?

Harry: Yeah, it's only the first day! I can't believe McGonagall gave us homework already!

Ron: (sighs) Fifteen inches! I am never going to write that long.

Dean: (laughs) But you saw the look on Malfoy when she took twenty points off Slytherin because of _Snape?_ That's hilarious!

Ron: Yeah, he's not even in Slytherin!

Harry: (shifts uneasily) Should we have stayed? I mean, he's our housemate now...

Ron: (hits Harry hard on his back) Remember how he treated us? So what if he's a Griffindor now, that doesn't change him into another person. He's still Snape! I bet he bribed the Sorting Hat to get in here.

Harry: But still-

Dean: (pushes door open) Look, let's enjoy our free lessons.

Ron: Exploding Snap?

Harry: There's only three of us, Neville's in the greenhouses and Seamus' in Arithmancy- what's that?

(The three of them stop in their tracks and listen. A terrible voice is wailing in the dorm)

Mirror on the wall: Oh Sha-lala-la-la, sha-lala in the morn-ing...

Ron: What's that ungodly noise?

Dean: (calls) Anyone in there?

Mirror on the wall: Sha-lala-la-la, come Sha-lala...

Ron: (trembles) Let's go find a teacher, there's a banshee in our dorm!

Mirror on the wall: La-lala... Who's there?

Harry: (pulls Ron in) Come on, it talks! It can't be a banshee.

Mirror on the wall: Banshee? Where?

Dean: (sighs in relief) It's only Snape's mirror.

Ron: (exclaims) I've got an excellent idea! Come. (Harry and Dean close in) Listen, we will do this...

----------

Severus: (walks in smiling) 

Mirror on the floor: Sevvie! How's your day?

Severus: Getting better. (frowns) What are you doing?

Ron: (eyes not taking off cards) You won?

Harry: Oh. Yeah, you won? (looks away guiltily) 

Severus: (eyes flashing) Well... 

----------

_Earlier_

Malfoy: (rushes out and grabs Severus by the collar) Why did you do that?

Severus: (innocent look) Did what?

Malfoy: That! Burning McGonagall's parchment!

Severus: (puts up his hands) I didn't mean to! I am never good at wand-waving.

Crabbe: (stupidly) Haha.

Goyle: (stupidly) Ugh. Haha.

Malfoy: (releases Severus roughly) That's deliberate. 

Severus: How would I know she would deduct points from Slytherin instead? 

Malfoy: (pulls out wand and points it at Severus) Shut up! What makes you think you can talk to me like that?

(Harry, Ron and Dean walks past) 

Ron: Hey, no dueling in the corridor!

Malfoy: Sod off, Weasel. We can settle this ourselves without your big red head sticking in. 

Dean: Let's go Ron, Harry. It's hardly our business. (tugs Ron's robes)

Severus: What? Aren't you going to help?! 

Malfoy: (sniggers) Feeling like a coward, aren't you?

Severus: _You _are the one with two baboons beside you.

Goyle: Agh. Not.

Crabbe: We not baboons.

Malfoy: Take this, traitor! (an electric blue beam of light flies out of his wand) 

Severus: (ducks) Hey! I was _nice_ to you when you're my student!

Ron: Hell yeah! You're so unfair! (pulls out wand)

Dean: Your gonna side with Malfoy? Come on! (Harry, Ron and Dean left)

Malfoy: (evil laughter) No more your meddlesome housemates to help, eh? _Expell-_

Hermione: _Expellarimus! _(Malfoy's wand flies out of his hand)

Malfoy: Get your fat ass out of my way, Mudblood.

Hermione: (steps up flushing with anger) What is _that _suppose to mean, Ferret kid?

Malfoy: (cowers remembering Hermione's famous slap)

Crabbe: (helpfully) That's suppose to be an insult. 

(Whether this is supposed to be sarcastic or Crabbe's simply being helpful, nobody knows)

Malfoy: (chooses to believe in the former) Hahaha! Take that, it's an insult! Brilliant! I'm afraid I have to hug you now, Crabbe! (hugs Crabbe)

Hermione: (imitates Malfoy in a high-pitched voice) I'm afraid I have to hug you now, Severus! (hugs Severus)

Severus: (blushes)

Malfoy: (smirks) That's what I call an anti-climax, copycat.

Hermione: (let go of Severus and is oblivious to his blush) (imitates annoyingly) That's what I call sarcasm, boy-without-a-wand.

Malfoy: (pink patches appear on his cheeks) Hmph! C'mon, Crabbe, Goyle. I will be back, Mudblood! And you, Snape, I am the only male in this school allowed to have long hair!

Hermione: (throws wand) (wand hits back of Crabbe's head) Take it back, I have no use with your teeny wand!

Severus: Wow.

Hermione: (defiantly) Wow what.

Severus: Th- thanks I guess. (extends his hand)

Hermione: (rolls eye but shakes his hand anyway) It's no big deal, your Griffindor. 

----------

Severus: Yeah. Yeah, I won, sort of. (smiles)

Dean: Glad to hear that- Last Card!

Ron: No! You always win! 

Severus: What are you playing?

Harry: (puts down a card) Last Card!

Severus: What's going on? (eye his mirror suspiciously)

Mirror on the floor: (it is standing erect against a bedpost, a book standing in front of it. Cards are lining up neatly against a book) We are playing poker. I don't have hands so they set this up for me. See? The cards are standing and only I can see them.

Ron: Hmm, Last Card!

Mirror on the floor: No! Really? How come I keep losing?

Dean: (puts down his last card) Yay, I won! Winner takes it all!

Severus: Hey. Hey hey hey, wait a second. You guys are playing card with my mirror. The cards are standing in front of the mirror... only it can see...

Mirror on the floor: (miserably) Sevvie, I lost again!

Severus: (pondering) Cards in front of a mirror... cards in front of a mirror... 

Harry: Let's play again! (starts shuffling cards)

Severus: HEY YOU GUYS CHEAT!

Ron: (innocently) We haven't.

Dean: I won the game fair and square. 

Severus: But you line the cards in front of my mirror, you'd see his hand of cards...

Mirror on the wall: Sevvie, please don't be angry, but I lost your socks and robes and inkbottle and some unicorn tear. And I promised that you'd make their beds for a month.

Severus: (smacks forehead) (faints)

All: (exchange looks)

Dean: (clears his throat) So... should we revive him or not?

----------

A/N: Schoolwork is getting heavier and heavier by the minute. Please bear up with the late updates, I think I may only be able to update twice a week... but I will try my best! This is written in a rush, so please be nice about it. Also anonymous reviewers please write your email address, so that I'd be able to notify you of updates! Check out my other stories if you have time, they are ok, I guess. Now, please REVIEW!


	6. The Magic Pagaent or, the Fight for the ...

Disclaimer: Nothing in the HP universe belongs to me. How many times do I have to tell you, eh? (pokes)

A/N: Isn't it just _pure _evil of me to abandon a fic for over a year? I know, I know. The excuse behind this is on my weblog, but to make it short, it is that I entered college, had the happiest time in my life, and a mighty break-up all in the past year, and my head was a little occupied. But now I am back to unleash more of my horrid sense of humor on you. Beware!

**Mage Kitty: **I know... cliché, but funny.

**n snape: **Thanks!

**beckie13: **Sorry for not writing sooner. Keep liking it!

**Erica: **Thanks!

**Maethoriell Uini Tawar: **Nice to meet a Slytherin! I am a Ravenclaw, myself.

**shiroiryu144: **Honestly, I don't know yet. I am a die-hard SS/HG shipper, but it is still undecided whether there will be a ship in this fic.

**Jess16: **Glad you find it funny!

**Aindel S. Druida: **I agree, school work is just evil-stomps on homework- I am glad you like the fic, a lot of people share your love of the mirror.

**crazy2: **Thanks!

**Kelek: **Aww, it's sad I know, but Sevvie has to be tortured. I am so sorry for him... we writers just seem to have a thing for torturing him.

**Raven Dragonclaw: **Sorry for not updating sooner! I have inserted another morning scene in this chapter. Hope ya like it!

**keneez: **Thanks!

**risi: **Thanks for the idea, I will write some Quidditch later!

**2amused: **Thanks!

**Oracle Phoenix: **Sorry for the late, _late _update... I love Hermione too! Girl Power!

**Silver Chaotic: **Thank you for the understanding. I have gone, but I am back. I will update like crazy from now on, I promise.

**AngelofTears: **Thanks!

-

(It is early in the morning, the first beams of sunlight are starting to fill the Griffindor dorm. The boys are awake. Breakfast will be served in half an hour.)

Dean: Urg.

Ron: Urgh uhh.

Severus: (looks into mirror and squeals) After so many nights of sleep, my hair's still in a ponytail!

Mirror on the wall: You look stupid.

Dean: Ugg, heh heh.

Harry: I don't wanna do this.

Ron: Uh-uh, it's your turn. Argh urgg. (bobbles his head)

Severus: I want a comb.

Mirror on the wall: You never say that before.

Dean: (seems to have taken a great liking to the mirror) Heh heh heh heh. Urg.

Severus: That's because I don't have a sodding _ponytail_ on my head before.

Ron: Uh-uh, no swearing in dorms..

Harry: (Bambi eyes) Do I have to?

Severus: Just gimme a comb.

Dean: Heh heh, only sissies use a comb. Argh.

Ron: 'Arry, don't stall. We don't have much time. Urg ugg.

Harry: (reluctantly) Okay.

Severus: Doesn't _anyone _have a damn comb here?

Ron: I say, no swearing! (dives on top of Severus)

Harry: (pokes Neville with his wand) Wake up, Nev- (drops wand) Ahh! Ahhhhhh! It's _alivvvvvvvve!_

Dean: Take cover! (runs and trips over two entangling boys on the floor)

Severus: Fu- argh- off me, you imbecile! (pushes the two boys on top of him)

Ron: (strangles Severus) Didn't I say, no profanities?

Dean: Ahhhh, run, run! (kicks in panic)

Neville: DIE!

Severus: (turns purple) I- can't- breathe-

Harry: (runs over and tries to wrench Ron's hands off Severus' neck) Stoppit! (receives kick square in the stomach) Oww!

Ron: Are you sorry? Are you? (tightens grip)

Dean: I am, I am! Please don't hurt me! (attempts to hide beneath Severus)

Severus: (gags)

Neville: (bites Harry's right leg)

(The grandfather clock chimes seven, and Seamus comes out of the bathroom)

Seamus: (regards the heap of flesh on the crimson carpet) A typical Griffindor beginning of the day. Good morning, housemates.

-

(Students edge slowly into the dungeons. It is double Potions of Griffindors and Slytherins.)

Harry: For some strange reason, after so many years of hatred and mishaps resulted in these lessons, the school has made surprisingly little effort in separating the two houses in Potions.

Seamus: (points at Harry) And for stranger reasons, Harry is talking like _Hogwarts: A History._

Ron: Or a really bad tour-guide.

(The Griffindors sit down at the front of the classroom.)

Hermione: I wonder who is going to teach Potions now? (glances at Severus)

Severus: (plucks at own robe) Have I told you how much I detest r-red robes? (scowls) And how would I know who's teaching Potions?

Draco: (very loudly) I sure hope it is someone actually _equipped _with a brainthis time!

(The Slytherins, and a few Griffindors, snickers appreciatively.)

Crabbe: Heh heh heh.

Goyle: Huh? (looks around) Oh. Heh heh.

Severus: Tell me, Ferret-boy, doesn't the hair-gel you use weigh down the little grey matter you own?

Crabbe: (cracks knuckles) You dare make fun of him?

Goyle: (cracks knuckles) Live a short life, Snape.

Severus: (dryly) Your vocabularies have yet to venture beyond the realm of monosyllables. Why ain't I surprised?

Crabbe, Goyle: (confused) (turns to Draco) (with difficulty) Dr- Draco?

Severus: (exaggeratingly excited) _Very _good, boys! You _did _it!

Draco: (whips out wand) I, and I alone, am allowed to abuse their state of inanity with expressions their infinitesimal brains cannot hope to comprehend!

Severus: (whips out wand) (sneers) Now, who names you the Resident Thesaurus of Hogwarts?

Crabbe, Goyle: (smoke coming out of their ears) Ug?

Severus, Draco: (battle cry) Heee-Yahhhhhhhhhh!

(Two loud 'POP's later, a skunk and a Flobberworm materialize on the floor)

(The students look at one another)

Hermione: Merlin's beard.

Ron: Which is Snape, and which is Malfoy?

Harry: (tilts his head sideways) Well... (points at the Flobberworm) He looks a bit like Malfoy at this angle...

Hermione: (raises an eyebrow) Harry, that is not the face of the Flobberworm. It is its, erm... other end.

(Silence)

Cheery voice: Ah, not practicing Transfiguration too hard, gentlemen?

(Dumbledore enters and with a swish of wand, turn Severus and Draco back into their better selves)

Students: Headmaster!

Dumbledore: (walks to the front of the dungeon) Lemon drops all around! (Flicks wand)

(A yellow candy appears in front of each student. Most Griffindors and Crabbe pop it into their mouths and suck on it)

Severus: (mumbles darkly) Old man's trick to keep a class quiet.

Hermione: (raises hand) Professor, may I ask- why are you here?

Dumbledore: (with- what else- a twinkle in his eyes) To teach, of course!

Severus: (horrified) You? Teach Potions?

Dumbledore: (smiles indulgently) Yes, Severus. Now, if no one has any other-

(At that moment, a loud BANG echoes in the chamber as the door is being kicked open.)

Sirius: Boom, baby!

(A few heads turn. Harry, too busy sucking on his lemon drop, fails to notice his godfather's reincarnation.)

Severus: (jaw drops) You!

Sirius: (proudly) ME!

Severus: B-b-but you are- h-how, w-why-

Sirius: For justice, Merlin's celebrated collection of boxers and the need of the plot. (walks to the front)

Harry: (joyously) Sirius! You're back!

Sirius: (winks) New and improved.

Dumbledore: As touching as this is, Sirius, I am afraid you're disrupting my class.

Sirius: I am sor-(remembering what he is here for) oh wait. I object!

Dumbledore: (mildly interested) To?

Sirius: To you teaching this class! I want to teach it!

Severus: _You? Teach Potions? _(covers face with a hand in despair)

Dumbledore: (spreads hands) I am sorry, Sirius, but the job is taken already, by _me!_ Apply forty years later.

Sirius: (whines) But I want the job! You can't appoint yourself, that's not fair!

Dumbledore: I can, and I-

Hermione: (raises hand again) Sir? May I say something?

Dumbledore: (irritated) You already did. Go on.

Hermione: According to _Hogwarts: The Absolute Rules, _article 349, whenever a position at Hogwarts is wanted by two persons at the same time, the two have to duel to determine who gets the job.

Severus: (snaps up) What? (to Dumbledore) You old wires-for-a-beard, you never told me!

Dumbledore: (authoritatively) Seeing how I am the Headmaster, and thus, Supreme-Dictator-Forever here, I get to change the rules.

Hermione: (conjures up a thick book and reads) Article 349, verse mccxviii"when the headmaster of the school declares himself Supreme-Dictator-Forever and attempts to annul the above article, the duel will take place in the form of a magic pageant"

(The class gasps.)

Severus: (buries face into hands once more) This just gets better and better.

Hermione"-or the aforementioned headmaster will turn into a slimy toad. Period." (closes book with a final 'thud')

Dumbledore: (reluctantly) Very well.

(A sort of a podium springs up in the middle of the dungeon as Dumbledore waves his wand.)

Dumbledore: (gestures for Sirius to go on stage) After you.

Sirius: (looking positively excited about all this ordeal) Okay. (Jumps on the stage) (Said stage creaks) Uh-oh.

Dumbledore: Uh-oh is right. (gingerly walks up stage) Please refrain from jumping or any other jerky movements, Sirius.

-

Hermione: (standing on the stage, her voice magically, unnecessarily magnified) Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the first ever Magic Pageant, a.k.a. the Fight for the Potions Job, of Hogwarts in a thousand years!

(The class claps enthusiastically.)

Severus: And we are excited because?

Seamus: (rolls his eyes) This means no class.

Hermione: Without further ado, I present you- (gestures flamboyantly) Sirius Black, the Resurrected Wonder-Man!

Severus: Oh _brother. _On top of it all, we need to bear her narrative.

Sirius: (steps out and waves charismatically)

Lavender, Parvati, Pansy, Millicent, etc. : Oooooh, Siri! (swoon)

Hermione: And his contestant, (steps aside) Albus Dumbledore, Mr. Antique with a Sweet Tooth!

Dumbledore: (bows) (his wizard hat flops forward)

Hermione: Okay, the rules are like this. You two can use whatever magic you like, except the three Unforgivables, to impress the audience. Later, a vote will be conducted, and whoever gets more votes launch the job. Amazingly simple, isn't it. Any questions?

(The two wizards shake their heads negative.)

Hermione: Good. Now, let the show begin! (walks off stage)

Sirius: (eagerly) I will go first! (_Poof _) _Woooof!_

Students: (in awe) Ohhh! Animagus!

Draco: (trembles) I- I-

Crabbe: Dra-Draco?

Draco: I have always wanted a doggie! (runs over and hugs the huge black dog)

Sirius/Dog: (startled) Woof? _What the? _struggles to no avail) Woof! Wooooooof! WOOF! _Get off me! Off! Somebody get this nutcase off me!_

Dumbledore: (dryly, but still with a twinkle) _Very _impressive, but I believe it's my turn. (waves a hand)

Students: (mouth open)

Dumbledore: (smugly) Well, I see you are too stunned to respond.

Hermione: Sir, we'd very much like to respond- but what _is _that?

Dumbledore: Automatic braiding beard, of course. (protrudes his chin so that the hundreds of pigtails of his beard is shown to everyone)

Sirius: (_Poof _) (pants) Get off- oof- me! (pushes)

Draco: (scowls and goes back to his seat) Who wants to be near you? Not me, no way.

Sirius: (waves wand) Ha HA! Take that!

(Colorful ribbons tie themselves on Dumbledore's beard.)

Dumbledore: Why you- (waves wand)

(A very unflattering mole, the size of a grape, with hair growing out of it, pops beneath Sirius' handsome nose.)

Girls: Ewww. (Un-swoon)

Sirius: (with difficulty- it is very difficult to speak with a bush under your nose, you know) Dee, Dis is exdackly why he douldn't de allowed do deach!

Dumbledore: (picks ribbons out of his beard) You are not much better than me, Sirius.

Sirius: (disgustedly) You lide de color burble. Whad kind of a self-resbecding wizard lide burble?

Boys: (in horror) Purple!

Dumbledore: (accusingly) And you like men.

Girls: (in horror) Men!

Sirius: I cad deach you do brank lide de legendary Marauders... who wands do learn how do brew Dungbombs?

Dumbledore: I can teach you how to make chocolate frogs and licorice wands!

(Students watch as the two wizards bicker back and forth, unable to decide.)

Dumbledore: I can even share my secret recipe of the lemon drops!

Students: (gasp in unison)

Sirius: No! Nod de lemon drops!

Dumbledore: Mwahahahaha, yes,_ yessss- _(spreads hands) Lo and behold, I am the almighty Lemon Drop Man!

Sirius: You padedic old chead, you can'd do dis!

Dumbledore: (evilly) Oh yes, I can, my dear Sirius.

Sirius: (points wand at Dumbledore) _Induviae Leviosa_!

(Dumbledore's robes flutter for a moment, then fly up)

Students: (cover eyes with their hands) Ahhhhh!

Sirius: Ha! Briefs!

Ron: Ahhhhhhhh! Dumbledore's underdrawers!

Neville: Ahhhhhhhhh- (hiccups) -ahhhhhhh!

Seamus: I am scarred for life! Ahhhhhhhh!

Dumbledore: (not a single bit flustered) (points wand at Sirius) _Induviae Leviosa_!

(Sirius robes fly up)

Girls: (peek from between their fingers)

Sirius: (proudly) Golden-snitch boxers! I win!

Severus: (in anguish) And it has come down to _this._

-

A/N: Finally, after more than a year, this fic is alive once more. But I _need _your help! I have no idea where this is going. This is supposed to be a funny and random, slightly silly fic, and I am running out of ideas. Please drop whatever scenarios you want Sevvie to be in in your reviews, or random lines that you want to see the characters say. I will try my best to make them work in the story. I have yet to decide who should be the Potions Master, so vote for Dumbledore or Sirius. Anonymous reviewers, please put down your e-mail address to be on the mailing list. My recent news and updates would be on my website, so do go check often.

I have also written a one-shot Valentine's fic, SS/HG, an answer to WIKTT challenge "the Worst Pick-Up Line Ever." Go and REVIEW today!


End file.
